To live?

A post I wrote a while back... Sometimes that's how real it gets. The tension, the struggle, and the fight to keep living. Reading this again I still wander if I will ever make it.

I guess, we all shall make it at the end.

• • • • •

"What's worst than dying is living without the will to live."

Ever been through a night trying to figure out what's the best way to die?
Wandering if suffocation is better then slitting your wrist?
Trying to hold your breath as long as possible to see what's it like to be suffocated?
Or maybe overdose on drugs would be easier...

Timid, fearful, yet not afraid of death...
Why live?
Any regrets? Probably not...

What's holding me back?
The pain while dying? Probably.
The pain my family have to go through?
Probably less than the disappointments and burden they have to carry while I'm living.

Where is God when I cry out to Him?
Why is He silent when I needed Him most?

Is my whole suicide plot a scheme to get His attention?
I do not know. Maybe?
I am lost. I don't know.

Yet, in me is a little voice who will say "Just a word from You, I can live on..."

Faith calls suicide a sin...
Law makes suicide punishable...

The only way I could think of is "God, take my life"
Elijah made the same request, but You responded "Arise and eat".

It's hard enough to want to  kill myself, but being a Christian makes it harder...
Outwardly, putting on a smile, trying to keep living...
Inwardly, a struggle to live.

Outwardly, proclaiming Your promises. Fake it till you make it. That's what they say.
But inwardly, I wander if I will ever make it...

I wander...

Who are Malaysians?

It all started with a thought...

"Who are Malaysians?"
Are we simply people who live in Malaysia? Is that all to the title 'Malaysian'?

If we are to ask a foreigner, what would their answer be?
Or rather, what would we want their answer to be?

If our friends from other countries were to look at our Facebook pages, they would probably see Malaysia as a country with many dissatisfied citizens; unhappy with our government.

I have seen Facebook post claiming that our very own national anthem could possibly be a copy of some other song. Whether it is true or not, that's not the issue. The sad thing is nobody defended our nation, instead we proudly broadcast it. We condemn our nation publicly. If Malaysia is home, why do we do that?
Is it really to create awareness? But we don't do it to our family. We don't broadcast their mistakes and failures on Facebook hoping that others will be more cautious of them. Why then do we air our country dirty linen in public?

If we are to ask foreign workers who work at construction sites, or our domestic helpers, or the cleaners at the mall, or the waitress at a restaurant, how would they rate 'Malaysians'?

Are we nice to them? Or have we been rude and judgemental?
I'm guilty myself...

I commented on their body odour...
But I forgot how hand they worked... Under the sun, doing hard labour, building our buildings, building our roads for us. It's almost impossible not to sweat.
I commented on how loud they speak to each other...
But I forgot, that probably at the site where they work in, they need to be louder than the machinery to be heard.
I commented on their fashion sense and how they carry themselves...
But I forgot, they have their own homeland, with their own cultures and habits.

So who are we fellow Malaysians?
Then it came to mind, the very famous Rukun Negara (National Principles) which I have religiously recited every Monday during assembly throughout my schooling years. 5 principles: from how we should treat our King and country, to the law and closed beautifully with "KESOPANAN dan KESUSILAAN".

Have I live up to my pledge as the people of Malaysia?
Today, I proclaim it again. Wanting to do my best to live out these principles, hoping that Malaysians will not lose our identity.

MAKA KAMI, rakyat Malaysia berikrar akan menumpukan seluruh tenaga dan usaha kami untuk mencapai cita-cita tersebut berdasarkan atas prinsip-prinsip yang berikut:

• KEPERCAYAAN KEPADA TUHAN
• KESETIAAN KEPADA RAJA DAN NEGARA
• KELUHURAN PERLEMBAGAAN
• KEDAULATAN UNDANG-UNDANG
• KESOPANAN DAN KESUSILAAN

NOW THEREFORE, WE, the people of Malaysia, pledge to concentrate the whole of our energy and efforts to achieve these ambitions based on the following principles:

• BELIEF IN GOD
• LOYALTY TO KING AND COUNTRY
• SUPREMACY OF THE CONSTITUTION
• RULES OF LAW
• COURTESY AND MORALITY

• • T H R O U G H • •

On most days,
I never quite like the reflection I see.
The roller coaster of emotions.
The bruises, the scars.
Unseen to the world.
Yet so obvious.

The imperfections.
The blemishes.
The ugly.
Bold and highlighted.
As if I would miss them.

Make-up and surgery.
Can they really hide them?

Switch off the lights!
Maybe it would help?

The reality is inside.
Lights on, lights off.
The heart could not lie.

Would I be able to come out?
Will I make it before it's too late?
Will I not be a disappointment?

It's still a journey...
A long, long journey...
To walk, and keep walking...
To silent the negative, and to keep trusting...
To believe that one day I would look back,
And realised I have walked THROUGH this rugged path.

How could you?

I am Job.
I have a family.
I have my field and my money.
But it's now all gone.

How could you?
I thought we had a relationship.
I offered my sacrifices. Faithfully.
Yet you did it anyway.

How could you?
You took my wealth.
You took my children.
You even take away my health.

How could you?

I am God.
Your family is mine.
Your field and your money.
They are all mine.

Why did you ask?
I knew you.
I created you and everything else.
They are all mine.

Why did you ask?
The wealth is mine.
The children and health.
They are all mine.

Why did you ask?

One less, many more...

Coffee-less?

How is that possible?
I live coffee...

But one week ago, I chose to fast coffee just to see if I can do without it.
And today, it is day 10! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

I used to walk to my kitchen cabinet and grab my fav Nescafe when I want a drink.
I used to walk into a cafe and immediately look at the 'coffee'  menu.
Now, I paused and read the menu.
I take longer to decide on my drink.
But I start realizing that there are other options on the menu.

To do without, I realize there are others.
One less, many more.

"I don't care"

"Yes, I really don't care"

Should I be bothered by what you think? 

Should I care about how you look at me? 

Does it really matter?

"I don't care"

Easier said than done.

The human is naturally inclined to care... 

Or just ke-poh...

We stop at a Facebook post to see what others are doing. 

We check the number of likes we have on Instagram.

We see the views we have on Snapchat.

And inside we all know that it doesn't really matter.

We stop to see the accident at the shoulder of the road.

We turn our heads when a child start crying in the restaurant. 

Or a couple fighting in public.

Could we really not care? 

"Maybe not"

"I just have to care"

It affects me. 

To care and not to care the same.

The former is vulnerable.

The latter drains. 

Consciously or unconsciously.

I guess I still care.

Who am I?

If authentic is 100%, how would I rate myself?
Is the outside 'me' still the same 'me'?
What have I become?
Is it really still 'me'?

The recent years, I have been asking that question to myself more...
"Who am I?"
Have I lost myself to the mould that society expect?
Even if the mould is the church?

"Fake it till you make it"
Really?
I have faked it till I'm now fake.

Can I not be nice just because society expect it from me?
Can I just be free and not do anything?
Just because I can doesn't mean I have to.

I have a voice...
I am 'me'.

But, where is that voice?
Where has the 'me' gone to?