To live?

A post I wrote a while back... Sometimes that's how real it gets. The tension, the struggle, and the fight to keep living. Reading this again I still wander if I will ever make it.

I guess, we all shall make it at the end.

• • • • •

"What's worst than dying is living without the will to live."

Ever been through a night trying to figure out what's the best way to die?
Wandering if suffocation is better then slitting your wrist?
Trying to hold your breath as long as possible to see what's it like to be suffocated?
Or maybe overdose on drugs would be easier...

Timid, fearful, yet not afraid of death...
Why live?
Any regrets? Probably not...

What's holding me back?
The pain while dying? Probably.
The pain my family have to go through?
Probably less than the disappointments and burden they have to carry while I'm living.

Where is God when I cry out to Him?
Why is He silent when I needed Him most?

Is my whole suicide plot a scheme to get His attention?
I do not know. Maybe?
I am lost. I don't know.

Yet, in me is a little voice who will say "Just a word from You, I can live on..."

Faith calls suicide a sin...
Law makes suicide punishable...

The only way I could think of is "God, take my life"
Elijah made the same request, but You responded "Arise and eat".

It's hard enough to want to  kill myself, but being a Christian makes it harder...
Outwardly, putting on a smile, trying to keep living...
Inwardly, a struggle to live.

Outwardly, proclaiming Your promises. Fake it till you make it. That's what they say.
But inwardly, I wander if I will ever make it...

I wander...