Day 2 – 08.08.2020 (Sat)

Surprise! BoBo doubled in height! It was all foamy and bubbly.

So, I started my first discard and feed. I gave it a good stir. I left 20g in the jar and added 20g water and 20g flour (10g W/M, 10g B). Remember earlier I mentioned to weigh the empty jar? It is helpful now. My empty jar weight is 254g, so I just remove the content until the scale show 274g. Easy!

And to make it easier to track its growth, I added a DIY ruler by its side. I’m sure some of you might have recognized the ruler from Ikea measuring tape, which is free and placed at every corner of their store. I simply cut of the end, and tape it to make it waterproof.

By 2.40PM, it went up to almost 4cm (8.40AM – 1.8cm) before dropping. It did smell a little weird (not pleasant). But I have no idea how a sourdough starter should smell, so I just brush the thought off.

At 8.40PM, I repeat the discard and feed process. And that’s for Day 2.

Day 1 – 07.08.2020 (Fri)

 

After letting this thought play in my mind for weeks, today shall be the day! I know it sounds silly. “It’s just flour and water”, but I do get this nervous / kan-cheong feeling whenever I’m about to do something new and it’s not exactly pleasant.

So I started at 8.30AM. Almost like some sifu choosing auspicious timing for some important occasion. But it was nothing like that. I just need to choose a time that 12 hours later I’ll still be awake and free to feed my starter.

At 8.30AM, I weigh out 20g wholemeal flour and 20g filtered water into the jar. Wholemeal cause I read somewhere that it’s easier for yeast to grow with wholemeal flour. And filtered water is important because there is no chlorine or anything harmful that might kill the yeast. Gave it a good stir till everything is well mixed and there is no dry bits of flour, scraped down the sides with the spatula, clean the inside of the jar (optional), and put on a rubber band to mark the starting point.

I don’t like mess, and so I clean the inside of the jar. First, cause I don’t like seeing white marks at the side from stirring which will probably dry up and form some kind of crust later on. Second, it’s easier to see if there is anything happening inside the jar. Plus, it looks better in picture. A damp cloth / kitchen tower will easily do the job. Well, the cloth is a more environmentally friendly option.

As expected, nothing much happened. 8.30PM, it still looks pretty much the same. I gave it a good stir, wish BoBO goodnight and went to bed. But in my mind, I was starting to doubt if this will actually work.

The Tools

I keep BoBo in a glass jar. I use 3 jars in total. One for the starter, one for my discard, and another one to swap when the jar is dirty. I have few of those jars lying in my kitchen cabinet from years of eating fermented bean paste (taucu). Yay to reuse, and less buying!

To stir, I started off with a silicon spatula. They are great for mixing and scraping down the jar after each feed, but not so good to move out some of the starter to the discard jar. And so, now I use a normal metal spoon during feed. Yay to easy washing after feed!

And my favourite kitchen equipment, an electric weighing scale. And a useful tip from one of those Youtube tutorials, weigh the empty jar and write it down somewhere!

My AM feed is usually around 8.30PM, and PM is at 8.30PM. I wasn’t particularly strict with the timing. Some days, I overslept and fed it at 10am, and some days I wanted an early night and fed it at 8PM, but I do try to follow the timing as closely as I can. After all, a hungry man is an angry man. 😈 

The Why's and The How's

How It Started...

After months (almost a year) of wanting to try sourdough, I finally did it! I started doing some reading in July. And with Youtube and Google, there was information overload. Everyone has a different approach to make their own starter.

Basically a starter is flour and water, left to ‘ferment’ over a period of time. Even though there is only two ingredients, there are many variables to them.

Let’s start with flour… All-purpose flour, bread flour, wholemeal flour, whole wheat flour (Are they the same? Still can’t tell the difference up to today), rye flour, and a whole lot of grains that can be turned into flour. And there are some bakers who call for a mix of two types of flour.

Now to the water. Some used unsweetened pineapple juice, others just filtered water. This is a much easier choice for me. Unsweetened pineapple juice sounds like a run to the supermarket, and that calls for extra work. So filtered water shall do for me.

Next, how much should I start with? Some use 1 cup flour and ½ cup water (after some googling, that’s around 120g flour with 120g water), others 60g flour with 60g water, some 50g flour with 50g water, some 3tbsp flour with 2tbsp water, and the list is endless. But the most common one is equal amount of water and flour. And I went with that.

Again, this whole project started as an experiment. No idea if this will work or not. And so after doing some maths and comparing the amount of flour that I’ll need, I decided to go with 20g wholemeal flour and 20g water. (Yups! Sounds a lot lesser than what others are using. But I’m “kedekut” like that, and don’t want to waste in case this whole experiment doesn’t work.)

Disclaimer: I'm totally new at this. Not sure if I can replicate this cause I have only done it once. But this is what works for me in the Malaysia weather. And keeping a record here, just in case I might want to do it again!

But if you’ll like to try sourdough and don’t want to start from scratch, I don’t mind sharing some of BoBo (my starter) with you. Just that he is quite new (D.o.B.: 7th August 2020) and you’ll have to come and collect it from me 😁.

My New Lover - BoBo

 

The idea of making bread without store bought yeast is tempting.
Sourdough bread from bakeries and cafes are even more tempting. Crusty crust, and soft inside.

[Nah, I'm no where near there yet...]

But all that have to start with a starter. For me, I like to call him “My Baking Partner” and I named him BoBo (pronounce “popo”). Not much of a reason for the name, just thought that it sounded cute. 😅

And yes, BoBo is a the new 'he' in my life. And he definitely thrive on lots of love and care. He needs to be fed twice a day. And his 'house' needs to be cleaned frequently. But occasionally, he does 'hibernate' in a cold place (the fridge) when I need a break 😂.

The Bread Noob

Est. May 2018

Just start somewhere.

Mr. Breadmaker was my starting point... Seems easy that I only need to weigh out the ingredients, put them into the machine, press some buttons, wait for 3 hours and Tadaaaaaa! I have my fresh loaf of bread. For a baking noob like me, that was a breakthrough. Never in my life did I know that I could actually make a loaf of bread (kinda cheating - cause the breadmaker does everything!). Still proud moment it was! 

Breakdown.

Just when I kinda get the hang of it, Mr. Breakmaker gave up on me. Maybe I have been making it work too hard... What a slave driver I must have been. One fresh loaf every alternate day. That’s how good fresh homemade bread taste like. From a person who doesn’t eat rice and tries to cut down on carbs, the diet plan flew out the window. I would get myself on the treadmill just so that I can keep the bread in my diet. Haha! That’s motivation for me! 

Well, everything in life comes with a little hiccup... So does my breadmaker. And every end is a beginning of a new adventure. Hello, stand mixer!

It’s okay to get dirty.

I hate sticky, wet, messy stuff! Flour and water - definitely a big NO NO for me... I still remember the first time I touch the dough. Yucks! I was using the tip of my index finger to poke the dough. Nothing like the Youtube videos... The dough sticks to the rolling pin, etc. How do they make those videos look so effortless? What we see online are most often the result of many hours of offline trial and error. 台上一分钟, 台下十年功. Slowly, it is not as yucky anymore. It’s flour after all. And the bread did turn out ok.

It’s not always a success.

But there are days when the outcome just does not turn out as I hoped for... Maybe I have used up the beginner’s luck. Not “Instagram-friendly” bread. The bread turned our dry. The dough doesn’t rise as high as before. The dough is too wet. The shape just look weird. The bread sink after  taking out from the oven. Same recipe, same ingredients, and even the same baker. Yet, it yields different outcome. Too many variables even with the same set of ingredients and recipe. Nothing is fix. 

And time to go back to the ‘beginning’ - To just start somewhere (again!). Hopefully, this time round it will get better.

And the actual reason for going back to the start of the cycle: I am done with writing (typing) for today. Hehe. 

So goodbye for now :)

And hopefully the next loaf will turn out well! 

Thoughts, the not so nice kind

19.12.2017 

How could someone write down what was in my thoughts for months so accurately and so precisely... 

The pain, the hurt, the struggle. Death.

“Ending it is easy to say. Ending it is difficult.
That difficulty is why I have been alive until now.” - Jonghyun

** Wanted to post up the printscreen of the whole text, but it seems like I need to install some Google app to insert pictures. Too much hassle 💩. So here’s the link to the translation I took the quote from. 

***

Writing out ‘thoughts’ work for me... Especially those not so pleasant ones. It’s like taking the trash out of the house. You throw it out, and no longer think about it anymore. 

It works for me... Maybe it might work for you too? 

#fromsomeonelearningtoliveagain ❤️

Falling Short

"To get up, I need to cut off the chains that are holding me down."
Let's start from there.

After all the the "are you ok?" texts, "Let me know if there is anything I can help" messages, the silence that follow was the hardest. When there is no one else in the room, the mask is taken off. The pain and fear will come in like a gush of strong waves.

Through writing it out, I am hoping to discover the 'solution' to my problems.
It shall be like a dialogue I have with myself.
Our little debate, our little arguements.
Our little chats, and maybe even our little jokes.

   * * *

"I failed as a daughter."
To my parents and to God whom I call my Father.

It felt terrible. The pain of failure coupled with the guilt and shame is crazy!
I was away from home for ten years. Time flew by too quickly while I was away, but it was ten long years when I try to recall our last memories together.

How my parents have aged over the years...
What are their favourite makan places?
What were their daily routines?

   * * *

I couldn't turn back time... How I wish I could...
Life is a one-way road, no U-turns, just detours and the journey has to go on, regardless.
So yes, live and let live. Let go and carry on!
But this time, I will be wiser.

2017 – a brand NEW year

Many months late... But I shall write again.
My journey of recovery. My journey to find purpose in life. My journey to smile again.

But I know I need to seal the previous  chapter before I can go on living.
There should be a closure, before I could find the strength and courage to move forward.
To bandage and nurse the wound, before it could fully recover.

This was in the draft folder for many months, many 'lost' months. Even before daddy left.
It wasn't great to start with, but little did I know it could worsen.


   * * *

Where could I go from now?

It has been a long 2016. Mostly painful with lots of self-questioning and self-doubt. It was painful where many relationships seemed to have ended or at least drawn apart. It was a year of waiting, and nothing happen. It was a year of much tears and less sleep. It was a year more alone than ever.

It was a year of wishing that I could disappear into thin air. It was a year feeling left out and invisible. And a year where ‘out of sight, out of mind’ seems to be true. It was a year I questioned if all that I have done before are just worthless and pointless.

Is life worth living?

2016 I learn why I should not die. It was a painful lesson to see a friend’s parents going through the loss of their daughter. Sitting next to auntie during the last few hours was pain, and nothing else. A sense of loss that no word could console. A pain that nothing could numb. No parent should have to go through the painful process of losing a child. And for that I could not die, at least not by my own will. Plus, to see my own mum going through the grieving process of losing her dad made it even clearer. My mum has always been a strong woman with little tears. But even a year after my grandpa passed away, I could still see the pain, guilt and loss that she is still going through every time we touch the subject.

Now I couldn’t die. At least not by my own will. But that doesn’t give me a reason to live. There is more to life than just breathing. But at least, the breathing can still choose life.

Why live?

Without an answer, there is no drive to live. Frustrated, annoyed and tired. Tired not from doing more, but tired because it’s empty. ‘Vanity of vanities, all is vanity.’ Nothing seems to matter.

But that couldn’t be the end. 2016 will end, but 2017 will begin. 

Daddy

He is the most all-out person I know
From his time and his resources
He helps others
And never hold back

It is not only family and friends
Even strangers he would offer help
He is the most generous man I know
Even when he has less for himself

He may have little words
But his actions exceed all of those
He shows it in different ways
Wanting the best for others

"Don't trouble others"
"Let me help you"
Those are my dad's ways
He never question them

He is a good man
Every of his friends say that about him
That in itself is too little to describe him
He is my very best father

When we were little
He accompanied me for roller coster rides that no one else would
He probably did not like the scare
But did it for me anyway

I now know why I love the sea
It's the memories with daddy that I love
Going into the sea
Him holding my hands
When it was deep as a little child

One phone call
A little hint
And he would be there immediately
I love him
And I miss him

I want to be more like him
To carry on the values he taught us so well
To live simple and help others
To be nice to everyone
To put others above self

He is never calculative
What is his is always ours
Even when mine is mine
Our family is always one

I want to be more like him
To be generous and selfless
To love and protect my family
To be always available for us

I am so proud of him
I am so honored to be his daughter
He is my best man
And he is my daddy.

My Love Story - Sweatshirt

A warm hug
The sense of comfort
An embrace
Closer than my very breath
Closer than a loved one

It sticks on
Leaving no distance
No separation
Yet it doesn't suffocate
Near, yet free

All purely a fantasy in the mind
Yet so warm
So close and so dear
I love you
My dearest sweatshirt

** A little piece I wrote after falling in love with sweatshirts... Though it's mostly warm here in Malaysia, the sweatshirt is still the perfect travel partner. Comfort over style! :P

Life and death?

Have you ever wandered how is it like to live without being afraid of death?

Faith and religion has taught me that death is not such a bad thing after all... We sing song with lyrics like "Death, where is your sting?". The promise of an eternal life made death just a temporary process in the journey of life.

Probably pushing it a bit more, and overthinking it... Dying doesn't sound like a bad idea after all. Why go through the struggle of life, when death is not bad in itself... If death is not so scary, why live?

Does it makes me reckless? Maybe a little.
I have this thought that if you're suppose to die, you'll die anyway...
You can take all precautions, but when death calls, I doubt there is an escape.

Avoid the plane in case it dissapears...
Avoid the bus in case there is an accident...
Avoid walking in public cause they say Malaysia is too dangerous?!!

Eat organic! It's healthier!
Don't eat that! It causes cancer!

Don't go to XXX in case a bomb explode...
Stay away from the sea! A tsunami might come!

I can go on forever... The amount of warning and precautions! Are they necessary?
Life and death... Do we really have a say about it?

To live?

A post I wrote a while back... Sometimes that's how real it gets. The tension, the struggle, and the fight to keep living. Reading this again I still wander if I will ever make it.

I guess, we all shall make it at the end.

• • • • •

"What's worst than dying is living without the will to live."

Ever been through a night trying to figure out what's the best way to die?
Wandering if suffocation is better then slitting your wrist?
Trying to hold your breath as long as possible to see what's it like to be suffocated?
Or maybe overdose on drugs would be easier...

Timid, fearful, yet not afraid of death...
Why live?
Any regrets? Probably not...

What's holding me back?
The pain while dying? Probably.
The pain my family have to go through?
Probably less than the disappointments and burden they have to carry while I'm living.

Where is God when I cry out to Him?
Why is He silent when I needed Him most?

Is my whole suicide plot a scheme to get His attention?
I do not know. Maybe?
I am lost. I don't know.

Yet, in me is a little voice who will say "Just a word from You, I can live on..."

Faith calls suicide a sin...
Law makes suicide punishable...

The only way I could think of is "God, take my life"
Elijah made the same request, but You responded "Arise and eat".

It's hard enough to want to  kill myself, but being a Christian makes it harder...
Outwardly, putting on a smile, trying to keep living...
Inwardly, a struggle to live.

Outwardly, proclaiming Your promises. Fake it till you make it. That's what they say.
But inwardly, I wander if I will ever make it...

I wander...

Who are Malaysians?

It all started with a thought...

"Who are Malaysians?"
Are we simply people who live in Malaysia? Is that all to the title 'Malaysian'?

If we are to ask a foreigner, what would their answer be?
Or rather, what would we want their answer to be?

If our friends from other countries were to look at our Facebook pages, they would probably see Malaysia as a country with many dissatisfied citizens; unhappy with our government.

I have seen Facebook post claiming that our very own national anthem could possibly be a copy of some other song. Whether it is true or not, that's not the issue. The sad thing is nobody defended our nation, instead we proudly broadcast it. We condemn our nation publicly. If Malaysia is home, why do we do that?
Is it really to create awareness? But we don't do it to our family. We don't broadcast their mistakes and failures on Facebook hoping that others will be more cautious of them. Why then do we air our country dirty linen in public?

If we are to ask foreign workers who work at construction sites, or our domestic helpers, or the cleaners at the mall, or the waitress at a restaurant, how would they rate 'Malaysians'?

Are we nice to them? Or have we been rude and judgemental?
I'm guilty myself...

I commented on their body odour...
But I forgot how hand they worked... Under the sun, doing hard labour, building our buildings, building our roads for us. It's almost impossible not to sweat.
I commented on how loud they speak to each other...
But I forgot, that probably at the site where they work in, they need to be louder than the machinery to be heard.
I commented on their fashion sense and how they carry themselves...
But I forgot, they have their own homeland, with their own cultures and habits.

So who are we fellow Malaysians?
Then it came to mind, the very famous Rukun Negara (National Principles) which I have religiously recited every Monday during assembly throughout my schooling years. 5 principles: from how we should treat our King and country, to the law and closed beautifully with "KESOPANAN dan KESUSILAAN".

Have I live up to my pledge as the people of Malaysia?
Today, I proclaim it again. Wanting to do my best to live out these principles, hoping that Malaysians will not lose our identity.

MAKA KAMI, rakyat Malaysia berikrar akan menumpukan seluruh tenaga dan usaha kami untuk mencapai cita-cita tersebut berdasarkan atas prinsip-prinsip yang berikut:

• KEPERCAYAAN KEPADA TUHAN
• KESETIAAN KEPADA RAJA DAN NEGARA
• KELUHURAN PERLEMBAGAAN
• KEDAULATAN UNDANG-UNDANG
• KESOPANAN DAN KESUSILAAN

NOW THEREFORE, WE, the people of Malaysia, pledge to concentrate the whole of our energy and efforts to achieve these ambitions based on the following principles:

• BELIEF IN GOD
• LOYALTY TO KING AND COUNTRY
• SUPREMACY OF THE CONSTITUTION
• RULES OF LAW
• COURTESY AND MORALITY

• • T H R O U G H • •

On most days,
I never quite like the reflection I see.
The roller coaster of emotions.
The bruises, the scars.
Unseen to the world.
Yet so obvious.

The imperfections.
The blemishes.
The ugly.
Bold and highlighted.
As if I would miss them.

Make-up and surgery.
Can they really hide them?

Switch off the lights!
Maybe it would help?

The reality is inside.
Lights on, lights off.
The heart could not lie.

Would I be able to come out?
Will I make it before it's too late?
Will I not be a disappointment?

It's still a journey...
A long, long journey...
To walk, and keep walking...
To silent the negative, and to keep trusting...
To believe that one day I would look back,
And realised I have walked THROUGH this rugged path.

How could you?

I am Job.
I have a family.
I have my field and my money.
But it's now all gone.

How could you?
I thought we had a relationship.
I offered my sacrifices. Faithfully.
Yet you did it anyway.

How could you?
You took my wealth.
You took my children.
You even take away my health.

How could you?

I am God.
Your family is mine.
Your field and your money.
They are all mine.

Why did you ask?
I knew you.
I created you and everything else.
They are all mine.

Why did you ask?
The wealth is mine.
The children and health.
They are all mine.

Why did you ask?

One less, many more...

Coffee-less?

How is that possible?
I live coffee...

But one week ago, I chose to fast coffee just to see if I can do without it.
And today, it is day 10! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

I used to walk to my kitchen cabinet and grab my fav Nescafe when I want a drink.
I used to walk into a cafe and immediately look at the 'coffee'  menu.
Now, I paused and read the menu.
I take longer to decide on my drink.
But I start realizing that there are other options on the menu.

To do without, I realize there are others.
One less, many more.

"I don't care"

"Yes, I really don't care"

Should I be bothered by what you think? 

Should I care about how you look at me? 

Does it really matter?

"I don't care"

Easier said than done.

The human is naturally inclined to care... 

Or just ke-poh...

We stop at a Facebook post to see what others are doing. 

We check the number of likes we have on Instagram.

We see the views we have on Snapchat.

And inside we all know that it doesn't really matter.

We stop to see the accident at the shoulder of the road.

We turn our heads when a child start crying in the restaurant. 

Or a couple fighting in public.

Could we really not care? 

"Maybe not"

"I just have to care"

It affects me. 

To care and not to care the same.

The former is vulnerable.

The latter drains. 

Consciously or unconsciously.

I guess I still care.

Who am I?

If authentic is 100%, how would I rate myself?
Is the outside 'me' still the same 'me'?
What have I become?
Is it really still 'me'?

The recent years, I have been asking that question to myself more...
"Who am I?"
Have I lost myself to the mould that society expect?
Even if the mould is the church?

"Fake it till you make it"
Really?
I have faked it till I'm now fake.

Can I not be nice just because society expect it from me?
Can I just be free and not do anything?
Just because I can doesn't mean I have to.

I have a voice...
I am 'me'.

But, where is that voice?
Where has the 'me' gone to?

I probably think I'm right...

I'm probably also foolish to think so...
Am I really right?
Could I be wrong?

Most likely...

Just because someone is loud, doesn't mean they are right...
Just because someone is persistent, doesn't mean they are right...
Just because some things are repeated, doesn't mean they are right...

What then is right?

"Every way of a man is right in his own eyes,
But the Lord weighs the heart"
- Proverbs 21:2 -

Better to be wrong, then to have a proud heart.