My New Lover - BoBo

 

The idea of making bread without store bought yeast is tempting.
Sourdough bread from bakeries and cafes are even more tempting. Crusty crust, and soft inside.

[Nah, I'm no where near there yet...]

But all that have to start with a starter. For me, I like to call him “My Baking Partner” and I named him BoBo (pronounce “popo”). Not much of a reason for the name, just thought that it sounded cute. 😅

And yes, BoBo is a the new 'he' in my life. And he definitely thrive on lots of love and care. He needs to be fed twice a day. And his 'house' needs to be cleaned frequently. But occasionally, he does 'hibernate' in a cold place (the fridge) when I need a break 😂.

The Bread Noob

Est. May 2018

Just start somewhere.

Mr. Breadmaker was my starting point... Seems easy that I only need to weigh out the ingredients, put them into the machine, press some buttons, wait for 3 hours and Tadaaaaaa! I have my fresh loaf of bread. For a baking noob like me, that was a breakthrough. Never in my life did I know that I could actually make a loaf of bread (kinda cheating - cause the breadmaker does everything!). Still proud moment it was! 

Breakdown.

Just when I kinda get the hang of it, Mr. Breakmaker gave up on me. Maybe I have been making it work too hard... What a slave driver I must have been. One fresh loaf every alternate day. That’s how good fresh homemade bread taste like. From a person who doesn’t eat rice and tries to cut down on carbs, the diet plan flew out the window. I would get myself on the treadmill just so that I can keep the bread in my diet. Haha! That’s motivation for me! 

Well, everything in life comes with a little hiccup... So does my breadmaker. And every end is a beginning of a new adventure. Hello, stand mixer!

It’s okay to get dirty.

I hate sticky, wet, messy stuff! Flour and water - definitely a big NO NO for me... I still remember the first time I touch the dough. Yucks! I was using the tip of my index finger to poke the dough. Nothing like the Youtube videos... The dough sticks to the rolling pin, etc. How do they make those videos look so effortless? What we see online are most often the result of many hours of offline trial and error. 台上一分钟, 台下十年功. Slowly, it is not as yucky anymore. It’s flour after all. And the bread did turn out ok.

It’s not always a success.

But there are days when the outcome just does not turn out as I hoped for... Maybe I have used up the beginner’s luck. Not “Instagram-friendly” bread. The bread turned our dry. The dough doesn’t rise as high as before. The dough is too wet. The shape just look weird. The bread sink after  taking out from the oven. Same recipe, same ingredients, and even the same baker. Yet, it yields different outcome. Too many variables even with the same set of ingredients and recipe. Nothing is fix. 

And time to go back to the ‘beginning’ - To just start somewhere (again!). Hopefully, this time round it will get better.

And the actual reason for going back to the start of the cycle: I am done with writing (typing) for today. Hehe. 

So goodbye for now :)

And hopefully the next loaf will turn out well! 

Thoughts, the not so nice kind

19.12.2017 

How could someone write down what was in my thoughts for months so accurately and so precisely... 

The pain, the hurt, the struggle. Death.

“Ending it is easy to say. Ending it is difficult.
That difficulty is why I have been alive until now.” - Jonghyun

** Wanted to post up the printscreen of the whole text, but it seems like I need to install some Google app to insert pictures. Too much hassle 💩. So here’s the link to the translation I took the quote from. 

***

Writing out ‘thoughts’ work for me... Especially those not so pleasant ones. It’s like taking the trash out of the house. You throw it out, and no longer think about it anymore. 

It works for me... Maybe it might work for you too? 

#fromsomeonelearningtoliveagain ❤️

Falling Short

"To get up, I need to cut off the chains that are holding me down."
Let's start from there.

After all the the "are you ok?" texts, "Let me know if there is anything I can help" messages, the silence that follow was the hardest. When there is no one else in the room, the mask is taken off. The pain and fear will come in like a gush of strong waves.

Through writing it out, I am hoping to discover the 'solution' to my problems.
It shall be like a dialogue I have with myself.
Our little debate, our little arguements.
Our little chats, and maybe even our little jokes.

   * * *

"I failed as a daughter."
To my parents and to God whom I call my Father.

It felt terrible. The pain of failure coupled with the guilt and shame is crazy!
I was away from home for ten years. Time flew by too quickly while I was away, but it was ten long years when I try to recall our last memories together.

How my parents have aged over the years...
What are their favourite makan places?
What were their daily routines?

   * * *

I couldn't turn back time... How I wish I could...
Life is a one-way road, no U-turns, just detours and the journey has to go on, regardless.
So yes, live and let live. Let go and carry on!
But this time, I will be wiser.

2017 – a brand NEW year

Many months late... But I shall write again.
My journey of recovery. My journey to find purpose in life. My journey to smile again.

But I know I need to seal the previous  chapter before I can go on living.
There should be a closure, before I could find the strength and courage to move forward.
To bandage and nurse the wound, before it could fully recover.

This was in the draft folder for many months, many 'lost' months. Even before daddy left.
It wasn't great to start with, but little did I know it could worsen.


   * * *

Where could I go from now?

It has been a long 2016. Mostly painful with lots of self-questioning and self-doubt. It was painful where many relationships seemed to have ended or at least drawn apart. It was a year of waiting, and nothing happen. It was a year of much tears and less sleep. It was a year more alone than ever.

It was a year of wishing that I could disappear into thin air. It was a year feeling left out and invisible. And a year where ‘out of sight, out of mind’ seems to be true. It was a year I questioned if all that I have done before are just worthless and pointless.

Is life worth living?

2016 I learn why I should not die. It was a painful lesson to see a friend’s parents going through the loss of their daughter. Sitting next to auntie during the last few hours was pain, and nothing else. A sense of loss that no word could console. A pain that nothing could numb. No parent should have to go through the painful process of losing a child. And for that I could not die, at least not by my own will. Plus, to see my own mum going through the grieving process of losing her dad made it even clearer. My mum has always been a strong woman with little tears. But even a year after my grandpa passed away, I could still see the pain, guilt and loss that she is still going through every time we touch the subject.

Now I couldn’t die. At least not by my own will. But that doesn’t give me a reason to live. There is more to life than just breathing. But at least, the breathing can still choose life.

Why live?

Without an answer, there is no drive to live. Frustrated, annoyed and tired. Tired not from doing more, but tired because it’s empty. ‘Vanity of vanities, all is vanity.’ Nothing seems to matter.

But that couldn’t be the end. 2016 will end, but 2017 will begin. 

Daddy

He is the most all-out person I know
From his time and his resources
He helps others
And never hold back

It is not only family and friends
Even strangers he would offer help
He is the most generous man I know
Even when he has less for himself

He may have little words
But his actions exceed all of those
He shows it in different ways
Wanting the best for others

"Don't trouble others"
"Let me help you"
Those are my dad's ways
He never question them

He is a good man
Every of his friends say that about him
That in itself is too little to describe him
He is my very best father

When we were little
He accompanied me for roller coster rides that no one else would
He probably did not like the scare
But did it for me anyway

I now know why I love the sea
It's the memories with daddy that I love
Going into the sea
Him holding my hands
When it was deep as a little child

One phone call
A little hint
And he would be there immediately
I love him
And I miss him

I want to be more like him
To carry on the values he taught us so well
To live simple and help others
To be nice to everyone
To put others above self

He is never calculative
What is his is always ours
Even when mine is mine
Our family is always one

I want to be more like him
To be generous and selfless
To love and protect my family
To be always available for us

I am so proud of him
I am so honored to be his daughter
He is my best man
And he is my daddy.

My Love Story - Sweatshirt

A warm hug
The sense of comfort
An embrace
Closer than my very breath
Closer than a loved one

It sticks on
Leaving no distance
No separation
Yet it doesn't suffocate
Near, yet free

All purely a fantasy in the mind
Yet so warm
So close and so dear
I love you
My dearest sweatshirt

** A little piece I wrote after falling in love with sweatshirts... Though it's mostly warm here in Malaysia, the sweatshirt is still the perfect travel partner. Comfort over style! :P