2015 - How are you? (Part 2)

Part 1 is about the better days, but there were also days when I'm at my lowest... Can anything good come out from that?

In the down...
After the tears, after the days of not being able to get out of bed, after shutting myself in darkness, what is next? I couldn't hide here forever... Though it is more comfortable being alone, there are expectations out there. People! Yes, lots of people with different opinion, different intention, and different expectation around. Some meant well, many others only wanted things done.

When that slight moment of courage come, I kicked myself out of bed. I rushed for a long shower (Yes, those are little achievements for me). I say a little prayer, I sing a little worship song, I try.

Then I realise...
Lesson #2 - When something is scarce, it becomes precious.
As a child, I kept the best food for last... Like the egg in a packet of nasi leak.
I savour the last few mouth of my ice cream much slower than the first few.
I munch much slower when it is the last piece of biscuit in the pack.

When there is little to look forward to, I realise how precious God is. When there is  no more achievement to boast about, when the future is dim, it hits me that I need to cling on tighter to God. God became more precious, He became someone I could not afford to lose. It may still be silent, but I could not let go of Him. I became desperately dependant on God. 

Desperate - Yes, I am... 
Dependant - I couldn't on my own.

2015 - How are you? (Part 1)

Over the years, I realise 'How are you?' has turned into a greeting without really expecting an answer... When we ask 'How are you?", the standard answer would have been "Errr.. ok" or something similar... Probably we don't want to bore others with our sad story... Maybe, we have experienced people repeating their problems over and over again when we asked the question ("Not again! Arghh" - I'm guilty of that too), and "ok" seems like a better answer.

Is everyone really "ok"?

Personally, 2015 hasn't been anywhere close to "ok" for me...
It seems like I'm in a battle that doesn't seem to end... Trying, tried and probably on the verge of giving up.

Almost like a battle with an illness that doesn't seem to be able to get better... You prayed, you seen the doctor, you ate the medicine, you watch you diet... And there is a slight improvement, before it all start to go down hill again... Then you repeat the cycle: You prayed, you seen the doctor, you ate the medicine, you watch you diet. And there is a slight improvement, before it all start to go down hill again... And the cycle goes on over and over and over again...

Well, it's not always down... There were days that are happier, filled with more hope, with a sense of "Maybe I can make it in life"... Some days were faith, most others are probably a denial of the problem, and simply trying to escape. That's one very fine line in between. When is confessing the promises of God considered faith? And when is it then an escape from the reality?

But even a false sense of hope and happiness is better than a dark room with more gloom and doom. The former at least I can get out of bed and try to continue living.

Lesson #1 - Whenever there is a chance to laugh, laugh it out! 
I value the days I can smile and laugh even at the smallest thing. I learn to set aside time to do things that I like, even if those things don't produce the result that the society would deem productive!

At times, "OK" is a better answer... At least, I need not explain myself... At least, it meant I'm still trying to live, trying to make it work.