A post I wrote a while back... Sometimes that's how real it gets. The tension, the struggle, and the fight to keep living. Reading this again I still wander if I will ever make it.
I guess, we all shall make it at the end.
• • • • •
"What's worst than dying is living without the will to live."
Ever been through a night trying to figure out what's the best way to die?
Wandering if suffocation is better then slitting your wrist?
Trying to hold your breath as long as possible to see what's it like to be suffocated?
Or maybe overdose on drugs would be easier...
Timid, fearful, yet not afraid of death...
Why live?
Any regrets? Probably not...
What's holding me back?
The pain while dying? Probably.
The pain my family have to go through?
Probably less than the disappointments and burden they have to carry while I'm living.
Where is God when I cry out to Him?
Why is He silent when I needed Him most?
Is my whole suicide plot a scheme to get His attention?
I do not know. Maybe?
I am lost. I don't know.
Yet, in me is a little voice who will say "Just a word from You, I can live on..."
Faith calls suicide a sin...
Law makes suicide punishable...
The only way I could think of is "God, take my life"
Elijah made the same request, but You responded "Arise and eat".
It's hard enough to want to kill myself, but being a Christian makes it harder...
Outwardly, putting on a smile, trying to keep living...
Inwardly, a struggle to live.
Outwardly, proclaiming Your promises. Fake it till you make it. That's what they say.
But inwardly, I wander if I will ever make it...
I wander...
Tuesday, 26 July 2016
Friday, 1 July 2016
Who are Malaysians?
It all started with a thought...
"Who are Malaysians?"
Are we simply people who live in Malaysia? Is that all to the title 'Malaysian'?
If we are to ask a foreigner, what would their answer be?
Or rather, what would we want their answer to be?
If our friends from other countries were to look at our Facebook pages, they would probably see Malaysia as a country with many dissatisfied citizens; unhappy with our government.
I have seen Facebook post claiming that our very own national anthem could possibly be a copy of some other song. Whether it is true or not, that's not the issue. The sad thing is nobody defended our nation, instead we proudly broadcast it. We condemn our nation publicly. If Malaysia is home, why do we do that?
Is it really to create awareness? But we don't do it to our family. We don't broadcast their mistakes and failures on Facebook hoping that others will be more cautious of them. Why then do we air our country dirty linen in public?
If we are to ask foreign workers who work at construction sites, or our domestic helpers, or the cleaners at the mall, or the waitress at a restaurant, how would they rate 'Malaysians'?
Are we nice to them? Or have we been rude and judgemental?
I'm guilty myself...
I commented on their body odour...
But I forgot how hand they worked... Under the sun, doing hard labour, building our buildings, building our roads for us. It's almost impossible not to sweat.
I commented on how loud they speak to each other...
But I forgot, that probably at the site where they work in, they need to be louder than the machinery to be heard.
I commented on their fashion sense and how they carry themselves...
But I forgot, they have their own homeland, with their own cultures and habits.
So who are we fellow Malaysians?
Then it came to mind, the very famous Rukun Negara (National Principles) which I have religiously recited every Monday during assembly throughout my schooling years. 5 principles: from how we should treat our King and country, to the law and closed beautifully with "KESOPANAN dan KESUSILAAN".
Have I live up to my pledge as the people of Malaysia?
Today, I proclaim it again. Wanting to do my best to live out these principles, hoping that Malaysians will not lose our identity.
MAKA KAMI, rakyat Malaysia berikrar akan menumpukan seluruh tenaga dan usaha kami untuk mencapai cita-cita tersebut berdasarkan atas prinsip-prinsip yang berikut:
"Who are Malaysians?"
Are we simply people who live in Malaysia? Is that all to the title 'Malaysian'?
If we are to ask a foreigner, what would their answer be?
Or rather, what would we want their answer to be?
If our friends from other countries were to look at our Facebook pages, they would probably see Malaysia as a country with many dissatisfied citizens; unhappy with our government.
I have seen Facebook post claiming that our very own national anthem could possibly be a copy of some other song. Whether it is true or not, that's not the issue. The sad thing is nobody defended our nation, instead we proudly broadcast it. We condemn our nation publicly. If Malaysia is home, why do we do that?
Is it really to create awareness? But we don't do it to our family. We don't broadcast their mistakes and failures on Facebook hoping that others will be more cautious of them. Why then do we air our country dirty linen in public?
If we are to ask foreign workers who work at construction sites, or our domestic helpers, or the cleaners at the mall, or the waitress at a restaurant, how would they rate 'Malaysians'?
Are we nice to them? Or have we been rude and judgemental?
I'm guilty myself...
I commented on their body odour...
But I forgot how hand they worked... Under the sun, doing hard labour, building our buildings, building our roads for us. It's almost impossible not to sweat.
I commented on how loud they speak to each other...
But I forgot, that probably at the site where they work in, they need to be louder than the machinery to be heard.
I commented on their fashion sense and how they carry themselves...
But I forgot, they have their own homeland, with their own cultures and habits.
So who are we fellow Malaysians?
Then it came to mind, the very famous Rukun Negara (National Principles) which I have religiously recited every Monday during assembly throughout my schooling years. 5 principles: from how we should treat our King and country, to the law and closed beautifully with "KESOPANAN dan KESUSILAAN".
Have I live up to my pledge as the people of Malaysia?
Today, I proclaim it again. Wanting to do my best to live out these principles, hoping that Malaysians will not lose our identity.
MAKA KAMI, rakyat Malaysia berikrar akan menumpukan seluruh tenaga dan usaha kami untuk mencapai cita-cita tersebut berdasarkan atas prinsip-prinsip yang berikut:
- KEPERCAYAAN KEPADA TUHAN
- KESETIAAN KEPADA RAJA DAN NEGARA
- KELUHURAN PERLEMBAGAAN
- KEDAULATAN UNDANG-UNDANG
- KESOPANAN DAN KESUSILAAN
- BELIEF IN GOD
- LOYALTY TO KING AND COUNTRY
- SUPREMACY OF THE CONSTITUTION
- RULES OF LAW
- COURTESY AND MORALITY
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