Daddy

He is the most all-out person I know
From his time and his resources
He helps others
And never hold back

It is not only family and friends
Even strangers he would offer help
He is the most generous man I know
Even when he has less for himself

He may have little words
But his actions exceed all of those
He shows it in different ways
Wanting the best for others

"Don't trouble others"
"Let me help you"
Those are my dad's ways
He never question them

He is a good man
Every of his friends say that about him
That in itself is too little to describe him
He is my very best father

When we were little
He accompanied me for roller coster rides that no one else would
He probably did not like the scare
But did it for me anyway

I now know why I love the sea
It's the memories with daddy that I love
Going into the sea
Him holding my hands
When it was deep as a little child

One phone call
A little hint
And he would be there immediately
I love him
And I miss him

I want to be more like him
To carry on the values he taught us so well
To live simple and help others
To be nice to everyone
To put others above self

He is never calculative
What is his is always ours
Even when mine is mine
Our family is always one

I want to be more like him
To be generous and selfless
To love and protect my family
To be always available for us

I am so proud of him
I am so honored to be his daughter
He is my best man
And he is my daddy.

My Love Story - Sweatshirt

A warm hug
The sense of comfort
An embrace
Closer than my very breath
Closer than a loved one

It sticks on
Leaving no distance
No separation
Yet it doesn't suffocate
Near, yet free

All purely a fantasy in the mind
Yet so warm
So close and so dear
I love you
My dearest sweatshirt

** A little piece I wrote after falling in love with sweatshirts... Though it's mostly warm here in Malaysia, the sweatshirt is still the perfect travel partner. Comfort over style! :P

Life and death?

Have you ever wandered how is it like to live without being afraid of death?

Faith and religion has taught me that death is not such a bad thing after all... We sing song with lyrics like "Death, where is your sting?". The promise of an eternal life made death just a temporary process in the journey of life.

Probably pushing it a bit more, and overthinking it... Dying doesn't sound like a bad idea after all. Why go through the struggle of life, when death is not bad in itself... If death is not so scary, why live?

Does it makes me reckless? Maybe a little.
I have this thought that if you're suppose to die, you'll die anyway...
You can take all precautions, but when death calls, I doubt there is an escape.

Avoid the plane in case it dissapears...
Avoid the bus in case there is an accident...
Avoid walking in public cause they say Malaysia is too dangerous?!!

Eat organic! It's healthier!
Don't eat that! It causes cancer!

Don't go to XXX in case a bomb explode...
Stay away from the sea! A tsunami might come!

I can go on forever... The amount of warning and precautions! Are they necessary?
Life and death... Do we really have a say about it?

To live?

A post I wrote a while back... Sometimes that's how real it gets. The tension, the struggle, and the fight to keep living. Reading this again I still wander if I will ever make it.

I guess, we all shall make it at the end.

• • • • •

"What's worst than dying is living without the will to live."

Ever been through a night trying to figure out what's the best way to die?
Wandering if suffocation is better then slitting your wrist?
Trying to hold your breath as long as possible to see what's it like to be suffocated?
Or maybe overdose on drugs would be easier...

Timid, fearful, yet not afraid of death...
Why live?
Any regrets? Probably not...

What's holding me back?
The pain while dying? Probably.
The pain my family have to go through?
Probably less than the disappointments and burden they have to carry while I'm living.

Where is God when I cry out to Him?
Why is He silent when I needed Him most?

Is my whole suicide plot a scheme to get His attention?
I do not know. Maybe?
I am lost. I don't know.

Yet, in me is a little voice who will say "Just a word from You, I can live on..."

Faith calls suicide a sin...
Law makes suicide punishable...

The only way I could think of is "God, take my life"
Elijah made the same request, but You responded "Arise and eat".

It's hard enough to want to  kill myself, but being a Christian makes it harder...
Outwardly, putting on a smile, trying to keep living...
Inwardly, a struggle to live.

Outwardly, proclaiming Your promises. Fake it till you make it. That's what they say.
But inwardly, I wander if I will ever make it...

I wander...

Who are Malaysians?

It all started with a thought...

"Who are Malaysians?"
Are we simply people who live in Malaysia? Is that all to the title 'Malaysian'?

If we are to ask a foreigner, what would their answer be?
Or rather, what would we want their answer to be?

If our friends from other countries were to look at our Facebook pages, they would probably see Malaysia as a country with many dissatisfied citizens; unhappy with our government.

I have seen Facebook post claiming that our very own national anthem could possibly be a copy of some other song. Whether it is true or not, that's not the issue. The sad thing is nobody defended our nation, instead we proudly broadcast it. We condemn our nation publicly. If Malaysia is home, why do we do that?
Is it really to create awareness? But we don't do it to our family. We don't broadcast their mistakes and failures on Facebook hoping that others will be more cautious of them. Why then do we air our country dirty linen in public?

If we are to ask foreign workers who work at construction sites, or our domestic helpers, or the cleaners at the mall, or the waitress at a restaurant, how would they rate 'Malaysians'?

Are we nice to them? Or have we been rude and judgemental?
I'm guilty myself...

I commented on their body odour...
But I forgot how hand they worked... Under the sun, doing hard labour, building our buildings, building our roads for us. It's almost impossible not to sweat.
I commented on how loud they speak to each other...
But I forgot, that probably at the site where they work in, they need to be louder than the machinery to be heard.
I commented on their fashion sense and how they carry themselves...
But I forgot, they have their own homeland, with their own cultures and habits.

So who are we fellow Malaysians?
Then it came to mind, the very famous Rukun Negara (National Principles) which I have religiously recited every Monday during assembly throughout my schooling years. 5 principles: from how we should treat our King and country, to the law and closed beautifully with "KESOPANAN dan KESUSILAAN".

Have I live up to my pledge as the people of Malaysia?
Today, I proclaim it again. Wanting to do my best to live out these principles, hoping that Malaysians will not lose our identity.

MAKA KAMI, rakyat Malaysia berikrar akan menumpukan seluruh tenaga dan usaha kami untuk mencapai cita-cita tersebut berdasarkan atas prinsip-prinsip yang berikut:

• KEPERCAYAAN KEPADA TUHAN
• KESETIAAN KEPADA RAJA DAN NEGARA
• KELUHURAN PERLEMBAGAAN
• KEDAULATAN UNDANG-UNDANG
• KESOPANAN DAN KESUSILAAN

NOW THEREFORE, WE, the people of Malaysia, pledge to concentrate the whole of our energy and efforts to achieve these ambitions based on the following principles:

• BELIEF IN GOD
• LOYALTY TO KING AND COUNTRY
• SUPREMACY OF THE CONSTITUTION
• RULES OF LAW
• COURTESY AND MORALITY

• • T H R O U G H • •

On most days,
I never quite like the reflection I see.
The roller coaster of emotions.
The bruises, the scars.
Unseen to the world.
Yet so obvious.

The imperfections.
The blemishes.
The ugly.
Bold and highlighted.
As if I would miss them.

Make-up and surgery.
Can they really hide them?

Switch off the lights!
Maybe it would help?

The reality is inside.
Lights on, lights off.
The heart could not lie.

Would I be able to come out?
Will I make it before it's too late?
Will I not be a disappointment?

It's still a journey...
A long, long journey...
To walk, and keep walking...
To silent the negative, and to keep trusting...
To believe that one day I would look back,
And realised I have walked THROUGH this rugged path.

How could you?

I am Job.
I have a family.
I have my field and my money.
But it's now all gone.

How could you?
I thought we had a relationship.
I offered my sacrifices. Faithfully.
Yet you did it anyway.

How could you?
You took my wealth.
You took my children.
You even take away my health.

How could you?

I am God.
Your family is mine.
Your field and your money.
They are all mine.

Why did you ask?
I knew you.
I created you and everything else.
They are all mine.

Why did you ask?
The wealth is mine.
The children and health.
They are all mine.

Why did you ask?

One less, many more...

Coffee-less?

How is that possible?
I live coffee...

But one week ago, I chose to fast coffee just to see if I can do without it.
And today, it is day 10! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

I used to walk to my kitchen cabinet and grab my fav Nescafe when I want a drink.
I used to walk into a cafe and immediately look at the 'coffee'  menu.
Now, I paused and read the menu.
I take longer to decide on my drink.
But I start realizing that there are other options on the menu.

To do without, I realize there are others.
One less, many more.

"I don't care"

"Yes, I really don't care"

Should I be bothered by what you think? 

Should I care about how you look at me? 

Does it really matter?

"I don't care"

Easier said than done.

The human is naturally inclined to care... 

Or just ke-poh...

We stop at a Facebook post to see what others are doing. 

We check the number of likes we have on Instagram.

We see the views we have on Snapchat.

And inside we all know that it doesn't really matter.

We stop to see the accident at the shoulder of the road.

We turn our heads when a child start crying in the restaurant. 

Or a couple fighting in public.

Could we really not care? 

"Maybe not"

"I just have to care"

It affects me. 

To care and not to care the same.

The former is vulnerable.

The latter drains. 

Consciously or unconsciously.

I guess I still care.

Who am I?

If authentic is 100%, how would I rate myself?
Is the outside 'me' still the same 'me'?
What have I become?
Is it really still 'me'?

The recent years, I have been asking that question to myself more...
"Who am I?"
Have I lost myself to the mould that society expect?
Even if the mould is the church?

"Fake it till you make it"
Really?
I have faked it till I'm now fake.

Can I not be nice just because society expect it from me?
Can I just be free and not do anything?
Just because I can doesn't mean I have to.

I have a voice...
I am 'me'.

But, where is that voice?
Where has the 'me' gone to?

I probably think I'm right...

I'm probably also foolish to think so...
Am I really right?
Could I be wrong?

Most likely...

Just because someone is loud, doesn't mean they are right...
Just because someone is persistent, doesn't mean they are right...
Just because some things are repeated, doesn't mean they are right...

What then is right?

"Every way of a man is right in his own eyes,
But the Lord weighs the heart"
- Proverbs 21:2 -

Better to be wrong, then to have a proud heart.

To experience a God who can heal...

The last post, I wrote about God as my carpenter who fix broken vessels... The idea of God as a healer is not a foreign concept... Flip open the Bible, and you can read it everywhere.

Then I asked myself: "Why does it takes so long for me to realise that?"

To pray for others and believe for healing takes faith.
But to know and experience God as my personal healer takes more faith...
Or harder still, is to humble myself and realise that I need healing.

That one touch is all it takes to make me want more of God.
Humility is not low self-esteem.
Humility is realizing that I couldn't on my own, and I need to depend on others.

Broken Vessels

"Why is my Christian life constantly on a roller coaster?"
This has been a question I have constantly been looking for answers... One moment, I'm this faith-filled Christian who trust God. On other moment, I can question and doubt if God is really present in my life.

“But in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay, some for honor and some for dishonor. Therefore if anyone cleanses himself from the latter, he will be a vessel for honor, sanctified and useful for the Master, prepared for every good work.”
‭‭II Timothy‬ ‭2:20-21‬ ‭

As Christians, the Bible liken our lives as vessels which should be used for honor.
Ps. Andy Harrison at Planetshakers Awakening taught us that as vessels (or containers), we are created for the purpose of carrying the presence of God... If the container is filled with other stuffs, it loses it's original purpose. And sometimes, this container can be broken. And he ended the session reminding us that our savior Jesus Christ was once a carpenter and he can fix broken vessels.

Today (during the worship and prayer time), I came to realize that my vessel has many cracks on them, and it's contantly leak out stuff. And this vessel need to be fixed quickly. As a  tumbler which is leaking, it annoys its user and causes much frustration and could even lead to anger (if it wets some important document).

In church, I can be filled with the presence of God... But because the vessel is leaking, it's easy to be frustrated and angry at little things which come my way. And down the road, the vessel unknowingly is carrying  anger, frustration, insecurities and fears which was initially supposed to carry the presence of God. But on Sunday, the vessel is reset to its original purposes... I confess my sin, and God's presence fill me again... And not too long later, the whole cycle repeat itself and the leaking gets worse.

Frustrating. Draining.

And the solution is to come to the best carpenter Himself. He touched me, He patched up the holes, He filled-in the cracks... And when the vessel is fixed, He fill it with His presence.

And this vessel has been restored. It can be used effectively again.

God is the ultimate restorer of my life!