Falling Short

"To get up, I need to cut off the chains that are holding me down."
Let's start from there.

After all the the "are you ok?" texts, "Let me know if there is anything I can help" messages, the silence that follow was the hardest. When there is no one else in the room, the mask is taken off. The pain and fear will come in like a gush of strong waves.

Through writing it out, I am hoping to discover the 'solution' to my problems.
It shall be like a dialogue I have with myself.
Our little debate, our little arguements.
Our little chats, and maybe even our little jokes.

   * * *

"I failed as a daughter."
To my parents and to God whom I call my Father.

It felt terrible. The pain of failure coupled with the guilt and shame is crazy!
I was away from home for ten years. Time flew by too quickly while I was away, but it was ten long years when I try to recall our last memories together.

How my parents have aged over the years...
What are their favourite makan places?
What were their daily routines?

   * * *

I couldn't turn back time... How I wish I could...
Life is a one-way road, no U-turns, just detours and the journey has to go on, regardless.
So yes, live and let live. Let go and carry on!
But this time, I will be wiser.

2017 – a brand NEW year

Many months late... But I shall write again.
My journey of recovery. My journey to find purpose in life. My journey to smile again.

But I know I need to seal the previous  chapter before I can go on living.
There should be a closure, before I could find the strength and courage to move forward.
To bandage and nurse the wound, before it could fully recover.

This was in the draft folder for many months, many 'lost' months. Even before daddy left.
It wasn't great to start with, but little did I know it could worsen.


   * * *

Where could I go from now?

It has been a long 2016. Mostly painful with lots of self-questioning and self-doubt. It was painful where many relationships seemed to have ended or at least drawn apart. It was a year of waiting, and nothing happen. It was a year of much tears and less sleep. It was a year more alone than ever.

It was a year of wishing that I could disappear into thin air. It was a year feeling left out and invisible. And a year where ‘out of sight, out of mind’ seems to be true. It was a year I questioned if all that I have done before are just worthless and pointless.

Is life worth living?

2016 I learn why I should not die. It was a painful lesson to see a friend’s parents going through the loss of their daughter. Sitting next to auntie during the last few hours was pain, and nothing else. A sense of loss that no word could console. A pain that nothing could numb. No parent should have to go through the painful process of losing a child. And for that I could not die, at least not by my own will. Plus, to see my own mum going through the grieving process of losing her dad made it even clearer. My mum has always been a strong woman with little tears. But even a year after my grandpa passed away, I could still see the pain, guilt and loss that she is still going through every time we touch the subject.

Now I couldn’t die. At least not by my own will. But that doesn’t give me a reason to live. There is more to life than just breathing. But at least, the breathing can still choose life.

Why live?

Without an answer, there is no drive to live. Frustrated, annoyed and tired. Tired not from doing more, but tired because it’s empty. ‘Vanity of vanities, all is vanity.’ Nothing seems to matter.

But that couldn’t be the end. 2016 will end, but 2017 will begin.